Looking for Trouble

 

For many centuries major world religions have railed against adultery. Social conventions have vilified it and stressed the importance of sexual fidelity to a committed marriage. But in more recent years, as religion has lost its influence and individualism has taken priority over fitting in, people have begun to question this. What harm does it do, they have asked, to have an affair your spouse doesn't know about, or even to do so with their consent? If indeed there is a God, doesn't He have bigger things to worry about? And is it any of society's business? But like many of our ancient taboos, the proscription of adultery is based on something still more fundamental.

 

Many of our taboos rest on reasoning which it can be difficult to understand without experience. This isn't so much of a problem when you're a child forbidden to play with knives, as there'll usually be an adult there to intervene if curiosity gets the better of you, but when we become adults ourselves there may be no other authority to protect us. Incest may not seem unreasonable until severely handicapped children come along to illustrate the thinking behind it; drinking heavily may seem like nobody else's business until we realise there's no money left to pay the household bills. Adultery can raise difficulties which might not initially be visible to us. This is why we have traditionally relied on the accumulated wisdom of ages.

 

These days, an increasing number of people describe themselves as 'married and looking', using websites like www.marriedandlooking.co.uk to arrange discreet sexual encounters with or without the consent of their spouses. For most, this is just a way to get a bit of extra excitement in life and it will never amount to anything serious. For others, however, it's a way of trying to deal with underlying problems in a marriage which really need serious attention. Dating other people is a recipe for disaster for people who should really be paying more attention to each other.

 

When communication starts to break down in a marriage, it's easy to feel misunderstood, to blame the other person for not making an effort. But very often, that feeling is mutual. Both parties may protest their commitment to being married, but looking for other people with whom to share intimacies betrays what's really going on. Whilst being married and looking for sex may not seem like such a big deal - sadly, it's nothing unusual - it becomes a much bigger deal when sex partners start to become confidantes and emotional intimacy comes into the picture.

 

When a marriage is on the rocks, finding someone else who understands can feel wonderful. In fact, we're often so desperate for that feeling that we identify it in people whom we really don't know very well. This can make us emotionally vulnerable. Since sex also makes us vulnerable, an affair can quickly lead to the development of feelings which turn it into something much more complicated. Thus, just when people most need to support their marriages, they find themselves motivated to do the opposite.

 

What is a marriage? There's little doubt that this tradition, which developed independently all over the world, came about in order to provide a stable environment for raising children. Over time, it also became clear that a married couple could make a good team, compensating for one another's weaknesses and reinforcing one another's strengths. They could depend on each other. Being married but looking rocks the very foundations of this institution because it takes some of the resources which should be going into the marriage and directs them elsewhere. How, then, can those people rely on each other to be there when times are hard? Even in good times they're going to have to get by without the full support which others enjoy. This puts them at a serious disadvantage in life. What's more, the partner who suffers the most deprivation is the one who isn't having the affair.

 

Being married and looking for sex elsewhere is looking for trouble - for your marriage, for your spouse, and for yourself. What will your spouse be doing whilst you're out there enjoying a fling? Probably sitting at home thinking about the problems which you're unwilling to address. Likely becoming more aware of how much they're losing out on by being with you. How long do you think it will be before they start questioning their commitment to what the two of you have built together? Even if they don't decide to join you in looking for affairs, they might start looking for a way out.

 

In this climate, it comes as no surprise that the average length of a marriage is getting shorter and shorter. Far too many people assume that the commitment happens when they go down on one knee or accept a ring, not understanding that commitment is an ongoing process which sometimes requires hard work. Making a marriage work requires patience, honesty, a willingness to look at things from the other person's perspective and, above all, loyalty. There will always be difficult times when you're married but looking for affairs won't provide a solution, it will only exacerbate them.

 

If you want to have a marriage that lasts, commitment is something you'll need to take seriously, even when the act of betrayal seems trivial and you find it hard to imagine any serious consequences. Try talking to divorced people and you'll find that many of them made the same mistakes. The wisdom of those who have been through it before is a valuable thing. It's the source of our taboos. A wise gambler will advise you to bet only what you can afford to lose, so don't take risks with what you hold most dear. If it was worth getting married in the first place, it should be worth sticking to that, no matter what temptations you encounter.